Top 10: Essential Items to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

There’s nothing worse than getting caught in the middle of a Zombie Apocalypse empty handed. Tools are key to survival, and especially when your survival depends on a war waged with the living dead. Here is a list of 10 essential items to survive a Zombie Apocalypse. Frontpage illustration by GarthFT.

1. Compass

In this situation, a handheld GPS would actually be ideal, but given that the increase in zombie population means an inevitable global satellite failure, it’s best to keep things as old school as possible. Brushing up on the difference between North and South also wouldn’t be a bad idea.

2. Pocket Map

Start in the area you’re attempting to flee. Chances are you’ve heard about a magical camp/village/cargo ship some distance away that serves as a safe haven, if you only knew how to reach it. Steal more maps as you continue on your journey. Knowing where you’re are is the first step to getting where you’re going. Plus, this way you won’t miss the Grand Canyon on your way to your new home at the camp/village/cargo ship.

3. Gun and ammo

Preferably something easy to carry with plenty of rounds per cartridge. AN assault rifle would be recommended. Range weapons are best, as they allow maximum casualties with plenty of room for retreat. Avoid weapons that hold fifteen rounds of ammo or less. Nothing sucks more than getting your arm gnawed off because you didn’t have time to reload.

4. Lighter

Some might suggest lighter fuel and matches, but the truth is, one well stocked cigarette lighter (antique, of course – remember, old school) should see you through the worst of the apocalypse. Not only will it help you cook whatever pigeons and squirrels you manage to kill for food, it will also be helpful in setting fire to the living dead.

5. Hummer

Sure, they’re bad for the environment, but then again, so are flesh eating zombies. These babies are built for high impact travel. They hold several adults, they don’t roll as easy as the SUV your mom owns, and they’re the next best thing to driving a tank. Sturdy and dependable, this beast will flatten anything in its path while doing 80 down a deserted highway on your way to the camp/village/cargo ship. Stop for gas at every deserted station.

6. Chain Mail

What is this, a zombie attack, or a Renaissance Faire? You want to protect as much of your luscious, living flesh as you can from potential zombie bites. No one’s really sure how infection spreads, but it’s better to be safe than sorry. Light weight full body armor is best, but at least do your best to protect your arms and upper torso. In the plus column, chain mail looks good with almost anything and you’ll be the envy of all your new friends, most of whom are probably going to die soon.

7. Zombie Movies

You’ll be traveling a lot in that Hummer – probably with a ragtag group of friends and new acquaintances – so you should spend that time brushing up on how to kill zombies. Look for obvious mistakes made by fictional survivors and strive to do better than going back for a doomed friend or isolating yourself from the group in the middle of a battle. Do not make the mistake of assuming that you are the star of the movie, and therefore indispensible. You could just as easily be the funny friend that dies in the second act.

8. Military water purification tablets

Let’s be honest: you don’t know how fresh that water’s going to be wherever it is you’re going, and you may be miles from the nearest zombie-free Wal-Mart. Ensuring you always have a source of fresh drinking water is a surefire way to survive in between zombie attacks. Always rinse out your canteen between purifications. Avoid bodies of water recently inhabited by zombies and/or zombie fish.

9. Comfortable shoes

Zombies don’t move very fast, so it becomes probable that you can outrun them. Make sure you’re outfitted with the kind of high priced footwear a professional athlete or futuristic apocalyptic warrior would wear. You want to move like Kobe or at least appear just as cool. Remember to stretch before running from zombies, unless, of course, zombies are already attacking. The more unique your footwear, the better the chance that you are the star of this zombie attack, therefore securing your long term survival.

10. Ham Radio

It will eventually become important to have contact with the surviving outside world. Since most modern forms of communication will be eradicated, it will become necessary to use sad, outdated technology to find other scrappy survivors who also had grandfathers that lived through World War II and never threw any of their old crap away. These people will be running the camp/village/cargo ship and you will probably not agree with how they do things. Luckily, zombies do not know how to use radios or other devices requiring more speech than the occasional needful moan.