The world is full of crazy people who are prepared to do some even crazier things in order to make themselves known. This is the odd domain of that thing we like to call the world record. There are currently over 45 thousand records in existence which range from the tallest man around to the person with the longest nose all the way to the most people playing checkers underwater at one time and the person recorded as having the stretchiest skin.
Though there are sometimes good, charitable causes behind these weird attempts, most are just wackos looking to get publicity because they simply have no other way of using their time. Whether it’s trying to break the record for swimming the English Channel in the fastest time (admirable yes and no I couldn’t do it but what’s the point of it?) or chaining together the most amount of bras, these are the best world record attempt failures. Prepare to wallow with the pity for these extraordinary idiots.
Yuri Kudinov Swimming the Channel – I’d rather just take the ferry to France to be honest.
10. Ashrita Furman
The Attempt: Balancing the most amount of glasses on the chin, proving you have taken the phrase “take it on the chin” far too literally.
The Fail: To be totally honest, Furman is a personal hero of mine. He currently holds the record for the most world records held, at 121, hailing him the name ‘Mr Versatile’. And these not all ridiculous records. Some are very logical and outright genius. They include juggling underwater whilst being surrounded by sharks and bouncing on a kangaroo ball whilst travelling along the Great Wall of China. Both breathtaking and inspired. This attempt however, was a fail. Mr Versatile tried to balance 20 ounce beer glasses on his chin, which resulted in one big ‘ol bit of sweeping on somebody’s drive way.
watch the attempt and a montage of Mr. Versatile’s brilliance:
Next Time: Instead of balancing the glasses on the chin, use them to go down to your local pub, grab a beer and make some actual friends, instead of using these ridiculous records to fill the gap of your obvious social inability.
9. Croatian Smurfs
The Attempt: Breaking the world record for the amount of people dressed as Smurfs in one place, proving how many stupid friends you have.
The Fail: Unfortunately, this attempt left the Croatians feeling slightly ‘blue’ (*ahem) after the 400 dopey hatted fools were informed that their attempt had to beat smurf-alikes. In fact, this record had been beaten more recently and the record had been set at 451 smurfs by students at Warwick University. One of the smurfs stated that they had researched on the Internet and found the older record and felt more that 100 extra smurfs would be enough. Unfortunately for the students of Warwick, their record was smashed in 2009 by the students of Swansea, who boasted an impressive 2,510 blue idiots.
Next Time: Do your research properly before wasting so much blue paint.
8. Yuri Kudinov and the English Channel
The Attempt: Break the World Record for swimming the English Channel which was previously 7 hours, 8 minutes and 42 seconds.
The Fail: Yuri was a Championship long-distance swimmer for Russia, boasting an impressive 3 Golds from World Championships. In 2007, he attempted breaking the record for swimming the English Channel, with rival Petar Stoychev attempting the record on the same day. Previously Yuri had smashed Petar in the Open Water World Championships, beating him by 6 minutes. Yuri broke the world record, with a firm 7 hours and 6 minutes. Unfortunately for Yuri, his rival Petar completed the Channel in 6 hours and 57 minutes, becoming the World Record holder and the only person to swim the Channel in under 7 hours.
Next Time: Don’t invite your rival to break a world record the same day you plan on doing it.
7. Coconut Breaking
The Attempt: Break a row of coconuts with your bare hands, proving your ability to crack some skulls if you need to.
The Fail: This guy decided it was essential to prove to his family and friends that his heavy handling of fruits was leading up to a far greater purpose. Instead of simply ‘shy’-ing away to a small garage and inviting someone along to judge, he lines up a loads and loads of coconuts and invites radio, TV and all other media to prove to the World he is greatest coconut smasher of all time. Unfortunately, he is not. With the hairy, spherical balls of dirty milk flying all over the place, this poor chap doesn’t seem to break one coconut, but instead he seems to break his wrist and lose the respect of many fruit enthusiasts.
Next Time: Make sure you can actually do what you set out to achieve instead of looking like a first-class idiot on TV.
6. Bubble World Record
The Attempt: Break record for largest bubble with most people inside, proving your weird obsession for making large bubbles with small children inside them.
The Fail: The poor guy who so desperately wanted to break this record had everything in place. The apparatus, the children, the bubble. All he needed was some press from an American news network, with a good anchor, incapable of ruining anything. Instead, they got local news reporter David Nazar, who stole the limelight by ruining the machine and thus, the record, then beating the record for most apologies in shortest time period. He had previously gained interest after ruining an ice sculpture live on air. Though he has dashed everyones dreams of breaking the record, you can’t help but feel everyone slightly over reacted.
Next Time: Don’t send a bumbling, chino clad idiot to report on such a serious, serious world record attempt.
5. Snapple Pop and the Sticky Streets
The Attempt: Make the worlds largest Ice Pop, disproving Al Gore’s theories of Global Warming.
The Fail: New York city, an unusually hot day. Snapple, a large ice lolly company, decided to pull an incredible PR stunt, by attempting to break the world record for the largest Ice pop with their $35,000, 20 ton attempt. Unfortunately, the weather was warmer than expected and a tidal wave of strawberry-kiwi stickiness, which made Union square look very reminiscent of Ghostbusters 2. Though they did not break the record, they did manage to annoy both pedestrians and the fire department, who spent several hours closing off streets and hosing down the sugary square.
Next Time: When someone suggests spending $35,000 on a world-breaking ice pop, then erecting it on a hot day in the city, slap them in their stupid face.
4. Biggest Domino Topple
The Attempt: To line up over 4 million dominoes to fall in sequence, proving you have 3,999,972 too many dominoes.
The Fail: Though this seems stupid, this is definitely a personal favorite. Anyone willing to spend that much time setting up over 4 million dominoes is obviously crazy and earns my respect. The group behind it set up their attempt in a Dutch Convention Center, when an arrogant sparrow flew in taking out 23,000 of the dominoes. Though this is less an 1% of the total, the domineero’s (I coin this term) were quick to avenge their fallen dominoes, by shooting the sparrow. On realizing they had killed a rare breed of sparrow, animal activists were quick to assemble making tribute sites for the bird and attempting to boycott any further attempt by the armed domineero’s to break said record. In better news, the ladies below hold the record for longest penis made out of dominoes.
Next Time: If you are quick to anger and carry a firearm, do not start up domino stacking as a personal hobby.
3. Most Nude Snorkelers
The Attempt: Break the records for most naked snorkelers, proving that you were simply doing ‘research; when your Mother wandered in.
The Fail: A couple of things went wrong with this. Though it started off as an attempt to raise awareness about the safety of the Great Barrier Reef, only 23 of the 100 original participants decided to bare all and brave the oceans. Despite this, it still would have been a valiant attempt, but the organizers didn’t realize they had to register with Guinness World Records in the first place. So as 23 nude Australians sub-merged themselves into the blue, no-one was really paying any sort of official notice, though they did break a record for number of ‘Men in macs with binoculars on’.
Next Time: Make sure you are taking part in a real world record attempt and don’t answer to newspaper articles that start with ‘Needed: Naked People’.
2. Most Bra Chains Linked Together
The Attempt: Make the worlds largest bra chain link, making all men apprehensive about their ability to undo them with their eyes closed.
The Fail: The ‘hookers’ from Worcester were attempting to beat the previous Australian record of 166,000 bra links, when they made a ‘boob’ of it all. As the bras were being taken out of the boxes, they had all got tangled up and time restraints meant they simply did not have enough time and had to call the whole event off. The hookers have now said that they want to have another attempt to completing their 100 mile bra chain and are accepting any donations.
Next Time: Find more buxom donors, the less bra’s you play with, the less tangling you get.
1. Biggest Book Signing Event
The Attempt: Break the world record of largest turn out for a book signing event, proving your not just some busty tart, who hasn’t just fizzled up from the spotlight and who’s PR company can ensure you beat a former Chess champion for fans.
The Fail: “Oh, its Katie Price and her breasts, what do they want?” “They want to sign your book.” “Which book?” “Her new one.” “She can read and write?!” A common response by most ongoers in Leeds as Price’s PR squad lined up tens of people to get a glance at her huge, huge rack of pens, in anticipation of signing her name so many times. The previous book signing record was set by former Chess champ, Anatoly Karpov who drew in an impressive 1,951 people in 2006. Though Price did not announce how many people did turn up, she was apparently still happy with the turnout. Especially as this stupid stunt meant that she was number 1 in the book charts, plus she got to prove to everyone she could in fact fit into an actual Oscar awards costume.
Next Time: Please Lord, don’t let there be a next time…